What do you do before it’s over?
War is what happens when language fails , i am at war with God.
Pain, You made me a disbeliever!
I have been looking long enough into the abyss, it stopped looking back – huh it gave up. There comes a time when the trees starts talking to you about their secrets, when the crows are scared of you, when a dog changes path before you, because they know I poison everything I touch.
It’s night time here, I’m looking outside my window, sitting on the corner of bed, avoiding the comfortable bedding because the ease it provides make me sick. I am scared of this darkness, outside. If i look closely into it, it looks back in me. That’s horrifying. Have you ever been chased by your own darkness. What happens if it catches up. Do i die? Maybe yes but i don’t believe in Maybes anymore. I need utter assurance, tell me what should I do to end this life? I don’t wanna kill myself, but I also want to stop living, do you see what I am at? Do you realize how sick this sounds, because honestly I don’t – I can’t tell the difference anymore, my reality has been shattered a million times before my eyes. I no more understand what’s normal. But I am serious here, I have to be sure, I need to know what can kill me? what is required to qualify for a death certificate? can i write down my own cause of death? Let me think about what it was. okay i remember now, Can i name a million small things as the cause of my death? it’s too much, i know, will they give me favour and write down, died: two years ago? because I am gone, long ago, but nobody has ever noticed. The person you see isn’t me, I have no identity, I am fraction of your subconscious mind. I am not real.
They say; Pain is the gateway, I have crossed that boundary, I am plunged into the abyss. I have been so familiar with the touch of sadness in my life, I get scared of happiness, I get terrified of excitement. What if I am the problem? I am losing control, drowning in the depth of the ocean. It feels heavy, The weather is not effecting today as it had before, Everything has stopped working, Nothing can make this pain go away, the pain that I hold so tight. I can’t let it go now, because its loo late. Its not a part of me; Its all me, If it disappears I would be nothing. Have you ever seen beyond nothingness? what happens when you kill yourself to reach at the end of the tunnel and the tunnel never ends, there is no hope for me. Some people are not born in this world, they are abandoned , abandoned by God, by family, by friends, by every living creature on this earth.
I am not me, I have never been me. Its been so long yet nobody has eve noticed me gone.
God is witnessing everything but He doesn’t offer help.
I have nowhere to go i can go anywhere!
