No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man. Heraclitus.
One day at 1:42 AM after midnight you told me ‘I was the problem‘. Only if I dared to throw this back at you because I know the Laws of Physics ‘Every action has an equal and opposite reaction‘. Yeah? but the dilemma is that I don’t know how to react. I have no muscle memory for this because I have never truly reacted. It’s not power, it’s sadness, Don’t be proud of me. Call an Ambulance!!!!
For once in my life: I want to cry so hard that it echoes back to hell. I want to see the energy waves of my shrilled voice disrupting the pattern of silence. I want to witness me losing my temper. I want to lose my shit and throw this vigorous energy back into this world so it finds its owner and teaches them a lesson. Do you know why? Because I don’t feel like it’s powerful anymore. Emotional intelligence in all its glory is about Emotion_ Emotions that make us Human, Alive, and thriving. Emotions; that are going to be the reason for my death.
I have the power to walk away from a conflict where I can destroy them because I chose my battles wisely. I have the self-control of not making the one phone call that might bring me peace because the person I wanna talk to once casually said ‘Don’t call me back‘. I have the capacity to make a fool of myself and still save people’s dignity when they mock me in a group. You see? that’s the problem: I want to UNLEARN all of this polite shit, I want to lash back at people, I want to cry in front of them and tell them how I feel, I wanna share the cruel thoughts I have when I am cleaning my closet. I want to go back to that memory lane where I remember a girl laughing out loud without a hint of sadness in her tone. I want to do all those things that normal people do. But I am afraid I started it in the wrong direction. I learned the lessons way too early. It’s difficult for me to go back now! What do I do with this overqualification? It’s horrifying! Help!
Listen, you got it wrong: you are never getting that girl back. Because whatever you lost because of your own fear is not on her. She deserves peace _ peace; has its price. Whatever the exchange rate is today. Haha, the exchange rate, no, it’s different from what you’re thinking of. You see, the exchange for currency is another currency so mathematically: the exchange rate for pain is some other pain, Mighty Pain! Ironic? Haah?!
You bring war into my head every time every time I see you. I realized a long time ago, that I would never receive an apology, I would never receive appreciation for being what I am. Some people come into this world, to witness the happiness others are receiving, and they might die clinging for their own good news, for some love, and for peace…..I might be that very person!
You have apologized (in my head), and I have moved on (in my head). I am happy (in my head) and I am miserable (in my head). I have nothing to worry about how you see me. I am taking it up with God: because God made me feel like I don’t deserve anything, the world made me believe that I am the absolute worst.
Neither the world nor ourselves remain static – with each encounter, we are both changed by the experience and I swear this time,
I am changing for the worse .!
